Thursday, March 29, 2007

Friends update - Matt.

There's a reason why I don't give out my name - there was a blog that I had a long time ago when I was an angry bitter bitch ... I used to cut people down for the smallest and pettiest reasons. I have surpassed that, but I have to explain why.

Being that I delve into people's personalities and lifestyles, I prejudge people. I personally don't think that's a bad thing, but I don't know. Most of my intuitions are right on point, but I don't let that veer me off my course with friends. I think of it has a hurdle that I have to overcome to gain their favor.

My friend Matt ... who lives in Phildelphia has been committed to his partner, Joe for 6 years has just recently broken up with his boyfriend. I have been there supporting him throughout the process. He's been taking it well.

However, I yearn for him which hardens my heart for my true love, James ... my partner for 2 years. Here's a summary:

Matt: lol

Matt: about?

Henry: Well, when you and James hugged me - we both kind of pressed our crotches together ...

Henry: ... and I almost died.

Henry: :D

Matt: hahaha

Henry: LOL

Henry: But, you and I know that will never happen.

Henry: You're such a tease and I hate it!

Henry: LOL

Henry: Like ... I wanted to grab you on the dance floor and just like sensual touch you like I did James while we were on the dance floor.

Matt: hehehe

Henry: The worse thing is that ... [sighs]

Henry: ... I envision a lot about you ...

Henry: ... but, that's OK ... I couldn't tell you that stuff ...

Henry: ... it would defeat my blog.

Matt: if only i had a taste for your kind. :( :( :(

Henry: LOL ... it's OK ... no hard feelings.

Henry: :((

Henry: I don't know how to tell you this though ...

Henry: ... you're like everything I want in a BF.

Henry: You have the looks, the body .... the personality ... everything.

Henry: I just don't know if you can cook ... and play a musical instrument beside the skin flute.

Henry: ... the way you danced on the dance floor was priceless.

Henry: Why am I telling you this?

Henry: However - you and I both know that we CAN be both slutty.

Matt: i CAN cook... but i usually don't

Matt: and i used to play the piano, clarinet, saxaphone

Matt: but i don't anymore

Henry: ... [sighs[

Henry: ... ]cries]

Henry: You have rhythm ... which is a doubleplusgood in my book.

Matt: aww you liked my dancin :)

Matt: yay

Henry: If I could only touch you ...

Henry: ... but, my emotions and raging lust for you would take over.

Henry: But, I respect you for who and what you are.

Henry: You're not just a piece of meat to me.

Henry: I truly love James 110% and I cannot lose what I have with James.

Henry: ... James is my soulmate and I would just die if I did something to hurt him.

Henry: My friend David - who came over from Ohio ... I was completely in love with him too and he's an emo-betch ... and me being so matronly - he spend a week with us last year ... and he was crying one night and I comforted him.

Henry: ... one thing led to another and I made out with him.

Henry: ... I kind of jerked him off too.

Henry: ... but, I didn't finish - we felt so bad.

Henry: ... I didn't have the heart to tell James.

Henry: But, I knew that if I didn't tell him that I wouldn't tell him at all.

Henry: So, when I told him ... it was like a rock fell off my shoulders ... and I told him that I would never do that again.

Henry: I keep asking him that if pushing the envelope on how much I talk about you.

Henry: He's cool with it, but he doesn't want to see/hear the same thing over again that I did with David.

Matt: sometimes i wonder what he can handle in that regard

Henry: I know - he's a noob.

Matt: but i don't know your relationship so it's not my place to say stop

Matt: ya know?

Henry: I know ...

Henry: But, I can't have you.

Henry: I wish I could.

Henry: I don't know how much James likes you.

Henry: But, he's kind of reserved.

Matt: well i want to be honest with you

Matt: i don't think i'd do a 3some either ;)

Henry: By all means.

Henry: That's understandable.

Henry: ... [dies a little]

Henry: LOL

Henry: :D

Matt: better you die a little now than a lot later ;)

Henry: That's true - I really love our friendship and I really want to be there for you and all of my friends ... I just don't want to fuck it up, ya know?

Matt: well i'm fairly difficult to annoy

Henry: I figured that.

Henry: Can I tell you something that's on my blog about you?

Matt: if you'd like :)

Henry: There's a poll between you and James.

Henry: I listed your traits and James' traits.

Matt: uh huh

Henry: ... which I can't tell you - but, they are factual.

Henry: .... the ongoing poll consists of who should I marry?

Henry: ... the title: "WHO MAKES A BETTER HUSBAND."

Matt: wowz

Henry: ... so far, James is way in the lead.

Henry: I know little of us.

Henry: I know little of you - that is.

Henry: Meaning - if you can be a dad[that's why I asked you that question] ... income, living style, clothing ... etc.

Henry: .... but, it's inconclusive because, I don't have a full run down of you yet.

Henry: Which in due time - I might get if you are willing to "share the wealth" ...

Matt: hehehe

Henry: ... as of 8AM this morning ... James: 58%, you: 42%.

Matt: :)

Henry: One of my readers said, "'Matt sounds like a great guy, however, I don't know his anything about his living style and other favorite things."

Henry: Another person said, "Henry, James and you should always stay together - you are both in harmony with each other. Don't let Mike mess your mind up. Mike has a lot of the qualities and thingajiggies that you are looking for, but James is the right guy for you. Your lust for Mike will pass, just like when you had your times with David."

Matt: sounds like you have a great reader base.

Henry: I have over 600+ people who read it.

So, I think that you get the jist of going on with Matt I have to comment about the highlighted portion above in the conversation that I had.

I would like to get to know more about Matt, but I know that my emotions are going to take over and just want me to yearn for him even more. Can someone explain to me what I should do? The good thing is that he's doesn't live near me. It's like my heart is shattered it two. Any advice readers out there?



Anonymous said...

I know you invited me to view this...and before I go further with my response...I will say it bluntly that I am straight, and a friend of the writer...and while I have no problem with anyone of this nature...don't ask me!

As far as I can put it...I am sympathetic to you. I know what it is like to be torn between your commitment and your lust for someone else. But I can also see that you need some serious grounding...Your emotional needs; your wanting to love, care, and be selfless to others, conflicts with your loyalty and your commitment to James. You are caught combining being constantly "in the sky" floating around, weightless, jumping from cloud to cloud, with having strings attached to the ground.

I was in a very similar situation myself. I had a dying love for one, who was good for me at the time... and an emotional drawing lust towards another who did little for me or for herself. For me, the end result was falling out-of-love for the one, and being a target for an internet hate campaign for the other. The end result for me was to give-up entirely in trying to have that special someone in my life, and contend with a reality more based on fact combined with belief that I am un-wanted by all.

It sounds to me like you're in that "trap" that I was in...or something similar to it. While I am more grounded in my emotions, you could end seriously hurt yourself or James in the end if you were to act on your lust. Its one thing to fall out-of-love, and start anew...its completely different if you manufacture it just to satisfy lust.

Why not direct your lust towards James?

In the end...I think its a choice, and one to stick with. Do you love James? or do you love being free of commitments?


Henry Kristofferson said...

I can understand what you are referring to. James has a lot of qualities that Matt doesn't have. I truly love James with all my heart and soul ... it's just that there's something missing. Matt has more talents than James is the music and rhythm sense. James is more intellectual when it comes to my problems dealing with reality. There has to be a balance that I don't know about. It's so strange that Matt has become between me and James. I'm not going to let my sexual emotions and mental emotions overwhelm me. I've had my heart burned before by assholes and lowlifes. I don't want to be ass end of things, no pun intended.

Anonymous said...

What it a stale moment, a small loss of interest. Its kinda like this.

When you first go out with someone and you really 'click' with that person, you can't wait till your next encounter with that special person. It stays that way till the point where you are so close that you end up living together. Then you're bound together and it comes to the point where you see the other person for who they really are.

Then it comes to a feeling of boredom with that person. You want to feel that excitement that you felt when you first met him, but now its gone, and you yearn for that excitement feeling again.

What it proof that sometimes you can get tired of love, because now loving someone comes with being responsible, and no one that I know of wants to associate love as a responsibility, they want love to be that excitement of "I can't get enough of this person"

Right now...I'd imagine thats what your going through.

Henry Kristofferson said...

Why did you hit it on the head?

... apparently my readers are listening to my cries of help.

... what else do you think?