Thinkmap Trails

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Delayed reaction.

Dear readers,

I've gotten to a point in my life where I have to make a decision about my love for someone. I was really EMO a couple of days ago and I'm having a relapse of it today [last night]. One of my good friends told me that you cannot a "ho" into a "housewife" ... which is very true. I've been with James for over 2 years now. I can safely say that I'm happy being unhappy, but that's a complete oxymoron. Mike and a couple of friends spent the night and I got totally drunk to spill my drama onto them. I already told Matt on Thursday night, but I just couldn't tell Ray and his "BF" with a straight face. All of them told me that I should see a couples therapist, but I'm like "Why?" The strange thing is that I help other people before I help myself. I cast this wall in front me, but it's so hard to take it down - Mr. Alcohol did that. I really would like to go on vacation alone somewhere and relive my life a whore. There are so many guys who want me out there ... I can't leave what I have now. Even though I'm financially stable with a roof over my head all everything is falling into place, I am still not happy. I don't know what it is going to take me make me happy again. Do I backstab James? I've been hurt before many times, but I don't want Jim to suffer that heartache. Another thing is that he's completely new to the whole "gay relationship" thing. Shit, I'm his FIRST BF! How scary is that? Do I just keep living in unhappiness? [sighs] ... help me.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Friends update - Chris and Steve

Steve and Chris

These are my friends ... Steve and Chris. Such a cute couple, no? Well, there was some drama between Steve, Chris, and Matt.

Matt is a flirt and a very social guy. Matt was talking to Steve aeons ago and Matt wanted to meet Steve. In doing so, Matt's ex-BF, Joe wasn't too keen on meeting and therefore plans fell though. Steve was distraught of the whole deal and I had a party a couple of months ago where we would all meet. Which was a rocking party already from the get go!

Joe was perturbed of the whole deal and Joe was standoff-ish from meeting Steve which fueled the fire of Matt and Steve not meeting.

Not a problem. As the night progressed on from drinking, eating, and playing video games ... Joe wanted to leave due to Matt's "eyes" on Steve. Which at first, I don't blame him. Mind you readers, I'm not a jealous person. So, it was James, Chris, and Steve left ... Chris and Steve took our guest bedroom and James and I went to bed.

... since then, it's all been history. From other weekends at our place to going to the museum and fancy restaurants ... it's all been good, but there needed to be some closure ...

... Read below:

Matt wrote:

So I was talking to Joe last night about a bunch of stuff including you and Steve.
Joe's opinion was for me not to talk to you about this but my opinion is otherwise since I feel like we've become better friends now.
So here it is.
I know you and Steve are involved to whatever extent. I'm interested in sleeping with Steve but not if he's dating you or if you would get jealous. In the mean time... I'm just avoiding the whole situation until there's more clarity.
So I just thought you deserved to know where my head is at.

Chris responded:

Actually, I'm glad that you did say something and I've kinda known for a little while... Secrets don't seem to fare well at Jon's house and at times it has been an uncomfortable position to be in.
That said, I have never felt that it was my place to interfere in the issue as it's basically between Steven and youself, as well as because our status hasn't been formalized.
Now I'll be open with you about how I feel... I really like Steven and I want to see where things go with him in terms of a relationship.
Finally, I really do appreciate you emailing me me about this and while trying not to sound too cheesy, it means a lot that you took my feelings into consideration.

--- --- ---

I just glad that all worked out ... but, there might be more drama later ... which I hope doesn't happen. Steve and Chris really make a cute couple though.

--- --- ---

I also discussed with Chris and Rick [which I haven't introduced yet] the current situation with Matt. They said that I'm going over my head ... I do agree that with them, but, I'm hesitant - I just care too much. Matt went to NJ to meet with a bear couple, but I don't know what his intentions are. It's kind of weird yet erotic - for all you gay bear readers and fag hags ... I think you know what I thinking right? I totally forgot what the bear couple looks like ... SHIT! I want to keep him close for the emotional side that needs attention, but I dont' want to keep him that close for the sole reason I might do something wrong. Afterwards, the 4 of us [James included] has dinner at Asian Bowl which was the BOMB ... and went home to sleep.

... I didn't have any really strange dreams last night/this morning - strange ... I wish I was more of a beefy musclebear - but, I don't. After losing 60 pounds, I still don't feel great. One day ... I'll be 180 pounds again ... one day.


Friends update - Matt.

There's a reason why I don't give out my name - there was a blog that I had a long time ago when I was an angry bitter bitch ... I used to cut people down for the smallest and pettiest reasons. I have surpassed that, but I have to explain why.

Being that I delve into people's personalities and lifestyles, I prejudge people. I personally don't think that's a bad thing, but I don't know. Most of my intuitions are right on point, but I don't let that veer me off my course with friends. I think of it has a hurdle that I have to overcome to gain their favor.

My friend Matt ... who lives in Phildelphia has been committed to his partner, Joe for 6 years has just recently broken up with his boyfriend. I have been there supporting him throughout the process. He's been taking it well.

However, I yearn for him which hardens my heart for my true love, James ... my partner for 2 years. Here's a summary:

Matt: lol

Matt: about?

Henry: Well, when you and James hugged me - we both kind of pressed our crotches together ...

Henry: ... and I almost died.

Henry: :D

Matt: hahaha

Henry: LOL

Henry: But, you and I know that will never happen.

Henry: You're such a tease and I hate it!

Henry: LOL

Henry: Like ... I wanted to grab you on the dance floor and just like sensual touch you like I did James while we were on the dance floor.

Matt: hehehe

Henry: The worse thing is that ... [sighs]

Henry: ... I envision a lot about you ...

Henry: ... but, that's OK ... I couldn't tell you that stuff ...

Henry: ... it would defeat my blog.

Matt: if only i had a taste for your kind. :( :( :(

Henry: LOL ... it's OK ... no hard feelings.

Henry: :((

Henry: I don't know how to tell you this though ...

Henry: ... you're like everything I want in a BF.

Henry: You have the looks, the body .... the personality ... everything.

Henry: I just don't know if you can cook ... and play a musical instrument beside the skin flute.

Henry: ... the way you danced on the dance floor was priceless.

Henry: Why am I telling you this?

Henry: However - you and I both know that we CAN be both slutty.

Matt: i CAN cook... but i usually don't

Matt: and i used to play the piano, clarinet, saxaphone

Matt: but i don't anymore

Henry: ... [sighs[

Henry: ... ]cries]

Henry: You have rhythm ... which is a doubleplusgood in my book.

Matt: aww you liked my dancin :)

Matt: yay

Henry: If I could only touch you ...

Henry: ... but, my emotions and raging lust for you would take over.

Henry: But, I respect you for who and what you are.

Henry: You're not just a piece of meat to me.

Henry: I truly love James 110% and I cannot lose what I have with James.

Henry: ... James is my soulmate and I would just die if I did something to hurt him.

Henry: My friend David - who came over from Ohio ... I was completely in love with him too and he's an emo-betch ... and me being so matronly - he spend a week with us last year ... and he was crying one night and I comforted him.

Henry: ... one thing led to another and I made out with him.

Henry: ... I kind of jerked him off too.

Henry: ... but, I didn't finish - we felt so bad.

Henry: ... I didn't have the heart to tell James.

Henry: But, I knew that if I didn't tell him that I wouldn't tell him at all.

Henry: So, when I told him ... it was like a rock fell off my shoulders ... and I told him that I would never do that again.

Henry: I keep asking him that if pushing the envelope on how much I talk about you.

Henry: He's cool with it, but he doesn't want to see/hear the same thing over again that I did with David.

Matt: sometimes i wonder what he can handle in that regard

Henry: I know - he's a noob.

Matt: but i don't know your relationship so it's not my place to say stop

Matt: ya know?

Henry: I know ...

Henry: But, I can't have you.

Henry: I wish I could.

Henry: I don't know how much James likes you.

Henry: But, he's kind of reserved.

Matt: well i want to be honest with you

Matt: i don't think i'd do a 3some either ;)

Henry: By all means.

Henry: That's understandable.

Henry: ... [dies a little]

Henry: LOL

Henry: :D

Matt: better you die a little now than a lot later ;)

Henry: That's true - I really love our friendship and I really want to be there for you and all of my friends ... I just don't want to fuck it up, ya know?

Matt: well i'm fairly difficult to annoy

Henry: I figured that.

Henry: Can I tell you something that's on my blog about you?

Matt: if you'd like :)

Henry: There's a poll between you and James.

Henry: I listed your traits and James' traits.

Matt: uh huh

Henry: ... which I can't tell you - but, they are factual.

Henry: .... the ongoing poll consists of who should I marry?

Henry: ... the title: "WHO MAKES A BETTER HUSBAND."

Matt: wowz

Henry: ... so far, James is way in the lead.

Henry: I know little of us.

Henry: I know little of you - that is.

Henry: Meaning - if you can be a dad[that's why I asked you that question] ... income, living style, clothing ... etc.

Henry: .... but, it's inconclusive because, I don't have a full run down of you yet.

Henry: Which in due time - I might get if you are willing to "share the wealth" ...

Matt: hehehe

Henry: ... as of 8AM this morning ... James: 58%, you: 42%.

Matt: :)

Henry: One of my readers said, "'Matt sounds like a great guy, however, I don't know his anything about his living style and other favorite things."

Henry: Another person said, "Henry, James and you should always stay together - you are both in harmony with each other. Don't let Mike mess your mind up. Mike has a lot of the qualities and thingajiggies that you are looking for, but James is the right guy for you. Your lust for Mike will pass, just like when you had your times with David."

Matt: sounds like you have a great reader base.

Henry: I have over 600+ people who read it.

So, I think that you get the jist of going on with Matt I have to comment about the highlighted portion above in the conversation that I had.

I would like to get to know more about Matt, but I know that my emotions are going to take over and just want me to yearn for him even more. Can someone explain to me what I should do? The good thing is that he's doesn't live near me. It's like my heart is shattered it two. Any advice readers out there?


Other dream.

This is about my past weekend with some friends.

... I had this crazy dream where a lamb, a cow, a pig, and a chicken were attacking me and I had to cast my totems to veer them off me ... after I killed them and picked up their spoils ... I skinned them and I made a leather sash called "Belt of Fogo de Chao" which gave +3 seconds to eat anything I had in stock. For example, if I ate a Spongy Morel which one regains 554 health in 24 seconds ... it would only take me 18 seconds to complete that. How strange is that? Also, when I went back to bed a 6AM ... I had this dream that I was being chased by ninjas that were throwing Chinese firecrackers that dealt 6 HP instant damage if the firecracker was within 3 feet of me. What is my problem?

Tuesday's dream.

I need people's comments on this ... I don't know what's wrong with me.

... anyway ... I had this strange dream that I was swimming and I drowned and I saw God at the Gates of Heaven.

... God asked me, "Why should I let you enter the Kingdom of Heaven?"

... I replied, "Because, I want to fuk all the bears and cubs that who are missing out on Earth."

... God said whole-heartedly, "Girl, you're not the only one!" God ripped his tabard off and bared his hot chest and grabbed my new set of paws and said, ... "You're new name is Furry Fairy!"

... I confusingly said, "Ummmmm ... what about 'Pounding Panda Princess'?"

... God said, "Furry Fairy, your name is chosen by the Bear Elders who sit around my throne in my den. We [God and the Bear Elders] have been waiting for you for a very long time. We were looking to replace our last Furry Fairy."

... I asked, "Why? Did something happen to him?"

... God said, "The last Furry Fairy wasn't as fun as you. We have been watching you and we know that you are very social and matronly. It's been a long time since we've had someone who cares a lot about his cubs and makes sure that everyone's well-being is in the green."

... Puzzled, I said ... "Just like in The Sims 2, right?"

... God answered, "Yes, definitely ... the virtual city of Bear Valley and it's citizens that you have created have come to life here - we are bestowing the powers that be in the Kingdom of God onto you."

... I questioned, "Why?"

... God said, "Because, I need to move on ... my Silver Daddy, Wisdom Whitehair is telling me to do so, I'm his bitch."

... Confused, I said ... "OK, YOU GO!"

... [moment of silence]

... I asked my last question, "So, what about James, Matt, Erin, Chris, my family ... everyone that I've created ... they are still alive! How can I control them here if I'm dead?"

... God said while patting me on the back ... "For thou art a fairy, if you want them to join you here in the Kingdom of Heaven, you have the power to kill them, control them and grant them any power you want."

... Snickering, I said ... "Any power that I want ... and I can control them?"

... I woke up ... 6:53 AM.

... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm only dreaming ... am I?

So, I have to post most of the dreams that I've had in the last couple of weeks, however - must warn you some of the dreams are explicit.

... this is just a forewarning.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

And there was a beginning.

As for my readers - I got a little anxious today, so I decided to change my name and change my identity. That's not me in the picture. If you don't know who I am by now, you have some serious catching up to do. If you would like to know, just ask me. I'll tell you who I really am.

I will post my processes here. Forgive me, it had to be done.

- Henry.