I've gotten to a point in my life where I have to make a decision about my love for someone. I was really EMO a couple of days ago and I'm having a relapse of it today [last night]. One of my good friends told me that you cannot a "ho" into a "housewife" ... which is very true. I've been with James for over 2 years now. I can safely say that I'm happy being unhappy, but that's a complete oxymoron. Mike and a couple of friends spent the night and I got totally drunk to spill my drama onto them. I already told Matt on Thursday night, but I just couldn't tell Ray and his "BF" with a straight face. All of them told me that I should see a couples therapist, but I'm like "Why?" The strange thing is that I help other people before I help myself. I cast this wall in front me, but it's so hard to take it down - Mr. Alcohol did that. I really would like to go on vacation alone somewhere and relive my life a whore. There are so many guys who want me out there ... I can't leave what I have now. Even though I'm financially stable with a roof over my head all everything is falling into place, I am still not happy. I don't know what it is going to take me make me happy again. Do I backstab James? I've been hurt before many times, but I don't want Jim to suffer that heartache. Another thing is that he's completely new to the whole "gay relationship" thing. Shit, I'm his FIRST BF! How scary is that? Do I just keep living in unhappiness? [sighs] ... help me.